Are You Really Okay? How to Start a Conversation When Someone Is Struggling
Sometimes the people we love don’t tell us when they’re struggling.
They may say they’re fine.
They may continue going to work, caring for their family, answering texts, or showing up to responsibilities.
But something feels different.
Maybe they’re withdrawing. Maybe they’re unusually quiet. Maybe they’re more irritable, hopeless, overwhelmed, or disconnected than usual.
When that happens, it can be difficult to know what to do.
You don’t need perfect words.
You just need to be willing to start the conversation.
Pay attention to changes
Everyone has difficult days. A difficult day by itself doesn’t necessarily mean someone is experiencing a mental health crisis.
But significant changes can be worth paying attention to.
These might include:
- Pulling away from friends or family
- Expressing hopelessness or feeling like a burden
- Major changes in mood or behavior
- Increased substance use
- Talking about death or not wanting to be here
- Giving away meaningful belongings
- Saying goodbye in an unusual way
- Losing interest in things they typically enjoy
If something feels different, it’s okay to check in.
What can you say?
You don’t need to give a speech.
Try something simple:
“I’ve noticed you’ve seemed different lately. How are you really doing?”
Or:
“You’ve been on my mind. I want to check in.”
If you’re concerned about self-harm specifically, it is okay to ask directly.
Asking someone whether they are thinking about self-harm does not create suicidal thoughts. It can create an opportunity for someone to be honest about what they’re experiencing.
If they open up
Your first instinct may be to reassure them.
You may want to say:
“Things aren’t that bad.”
“Think about everything you have to be grateful for.”
“You have so much to live for.”
Instead, try listening.
You can say:
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“You don’t have to go through this by yourself.”
“Let’s figure out what support you need.”
You don’t have to have all the answers.
If you’re the person who is struggling
Asking for help can feel incredibly difficult.
You may worry about being a burden, being judged, or not being “struggling enough” to deserve support.
You don’t have to wait until things become unbearable.
Tell someone you trust what is happening.
A therapist, doctor, family member, friend, or another trusted person can help you take the next step.
Know when to involve additional support
If someone is in immediate danger, has a plan or intent to harm themselves, or cannot stay safe, seek immediate help rather than trying to manage the situation alone.
Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If there is an immediate life-threatening emergency, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
You can also stay with the person when it is safe to do so and help connect them with professional support.
Therapy can be part of the support system
Therapy isn’t about having all the answers.
It’s a space where someone can talk openly about what they’re carrying and work with a professional to understand their emotions, identify patterns, build coping strategies, strengthen relationships, and create a plan for moving forward.
And therapy isn’t only for the person in crisis.
If you’re supporting someone you love, you may also need somewhere to process your own fear, grief, exhaustion, or uncertainty.
You are allowed to need support too.
Sometimes the most important thing we can say is simply:
“I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
If you or someone you love could benefit from additional support, Lola & Me Therapy is here to help.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation, or reach out when you’re ready to start the conversation.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger or experiencing a mental health crisis, call or text 988 or call 911.
Ready to take the first step?
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